How many times in my life have I felt completely overwhelmed by the tide of emotions and the ensuing silence of a depression that could incapacitate even the strongest of men? Some say it is the natural flow of life. “There is beauty in the ups and downs” —but I feel as if I am in the sea, desperately keeping myself afloat…

Only to be engulfed by the tide behind.

And how many times have I accidentally swallowed the water and only then realized how strongly, as a human, I want to live? My hands search for an arm to grasp onto in desperation. A twig that barely supports my weight. But how could anyone carry me, if I am too heavy for myself?

Sometimes, I distance myself, and it feels as if I am watching my own life from afar. As if I am not present. Well, physically, I may seem to be here, but in my mind, there is a war I cannot escape.

I am a heavy worker and a heavy smoker, a mother of four. And today is one of those days when I am locked inside of my mind. Pondering. What could and should have been.

This is my third cigarette of the morning as I watch the kids run around the lawn as if that is what life is about. Maybe it is, though. Maybe I have just forgotten over the years and become a lady in-between.

Two years ago today, I buried my hope for a better life along with the man I adored. He hung from a tree like a Christmas ornament, a beautiful green scarf cradling his neck like a snake. I think my heart was made of glass; I heard it drop onto the pavement of our front porch and shatter.

It still feels as if there is a gaping hole in my chest that longs for his presence.

But I cannot succumb to my pain. I have four little reminders of his eyes running around the house, four little echoes of his voice and manners—four little miracles. And for these four, I live as if I were the strongest of women, juggling three jobs, wine, cigarettes, coffee, and love for my children.